Sacrifice and Rest

Today I wrote a new blog on abovethelonggrass.blogspot.com.  I think it really gives you all a good idea of where I'm at right now so I thought I would post it here as well.  In January, Nate and I will be sending out a newsletter to update everyone on the year and a little of what is next.  Thank you for standing by us during this time. : )


"I just received my second to last canvas for my Afghanistan project.  I am eager to begin.  This final piece is about sacrifice.  it's about everything Afghanistan took from me.  Looking back when I first started painting I had so much pain in my heart.  I was angry and distrusting.  Many there had hurt me deeply, but after a year of rest and reflection, plus loads of forgiveness, I finally feel that I can look at my time there with some understanding.  I still have so much to walk through with God, asking Him why and being okay if there is no answer.  It is incredible to me how in time trust does come again.  Now that I am ready to paint such an agonizing piece, I feel that it will seal what I went through.  The composition is very simple, grey/brown background to symbolizes the ground and dust, and then red splashes to symbolize the sacrifice I gave there.  Many have given more, but it is a huge deal for me to say, "you don't owe me anything."  I still struggle with this idea that those that took from me deserve to be taken from.  That just simply isn't true.  I'm hoping to process this well as I paint.

The last painting for this series will be a re paint of the piece we left behind in Afghanistan hanging in a coffee shop.  It will symbolize hope."

New Art Blog

Hey everyone, Thought I'd let you know I have another blog that talks about my journey as an artist if you're interested feel free to check it out abovethelonggrass.blogspot.com.  I'm currently working on my seventh painting in a series called "My Afghanistan".  I hope to get up the guts to show my work when its finished and learn more about getting my work out there. 

Quick Update: Nate and I are still chugging away here in Fort Collins.  We have begun dreaming again, mostly in big ways.  We're attempting to continue to focus on the present and wait patiently for what's next.  Our church here is going through a lot of transition and so we look forward to supporting them as much as we can.  We'll continue to keep you guys updated... missing you all!

Art

To be an artist... what does that mean?  The dreams deepest in our hearts seem to be the hardest to chase.  This whole summer I've been attempting at every other creative profession other than simply being an artist, a painter. 

Nate and I sat down and prayed about a job I considered applying for, as a website designer.  The pay would have been great, could have been creative, didn't have to be in customer service anymore.  Seems perfect.  When I asked God if I should try for this job, He said, "It doesn't matter if you get this job."  I was disappointed.  I wanted a more clear answer.  "Can you be more clear God?  Should I go for it or shouldn't I?"  ... "No, you don't understand," God explained further, "This job has no importance at all for your future.  It does not matter in the least."  It so crazy how vastly different our priority lists are.  "Then what, God, should I do now?"  "Stephanie, what i've been telling you all this time.  Finish your series." 

I felt so much importance and authority in His voice.  To move forward in painting scares me.  What if I'm not good enough?  I've got to finish.

Calming Down

Life's been calming down quite a bit lately.  I definitely feel like I am finally truely adjusting back to the American culture.  Can you believe its been a year since being back here?  I still find myself making decisions based on the good and the bad that I learned while overseas.  I know that experience has forever changed me.  One of the biggest impacts from that time was a discouraging one.  I came back with little trust in my heart for almost anyone, but especially God.  I finally feel rest again.  Rest that we're going to make it through life, that God is with me.  Nate reminds me all the time of big things God has done for us.  A year ago we were not sure we would even be able to make it back tot he states.  But here we are.  Almost a year ago we thought we wouldn't be able to pay for the beautiful wedding we desired.  Here we are with wonderful memories, photography, beauty and completely paid off.  We have a dog and jobs and eachother.  More hope in my heart than before.  Thank you everyone for your prayers and encouragement through this time. 

learning

Its been a while since I last wrote, but in the mean time things have begun to settle in further.  Nate and I have a driveness to keep moving, keep searching for more, but God is definitely calling us to settle down for this year... for real.  We had signed a 6 month lease last January and now, to finish out the year, we have just extended our lease for another year.  We do not yet know what our next steps will be.  We do know this is good for us.  I already feel a great deal more rested knowing we won't need to pack or search for a new place at least the next year. We have begun to let down our guards a little more, knowing we'll be in this community another year. Finally, we are not in the midst of transition. 

Nate and I have been steadily figuring eachother out.  There is a lot to learn.  The biggest thing I am learning now is to be thankful.  It is so easy for me to worry about details and then not trust that I will be taken care of.  Life becomes far more beautiful when I just choose thankfulness.

I could really use your prayers for my relationship with God.  I've had to walk through a lot of processing in regard to my time in A-stan.  My heart needs a lot of healing and trust needs to be built up again.  I guess truth is needed and softness of my heart to let the truth go deep.

I don't get to see many of you on a regular basis.  I'd really like to hear what's going on in your lives.  Shoot me an e-mail or give me a call. Thanks.

Moving forward

• Well, we both have jobs, we're both "set".  hmmm... it's funny isn't it?  That no matter the circumstance I struggle to trust.  When I am in need and when I am not.  I still try with all my might to balance on my own control.  Swaying back and forth  as the winds move and change.  My foundation is the balls of my feet.  God pushed and moved me through a few years of being supported financially by many of you.  I struggled so much with this.  Never knowing if and how much would come in each month, having to ask for help.  This process stretched and moved me.  I wanted to be on my own, in charge of my finances, a steady paycheck.  Now that I'm here, I find that still in this time I need to trust the Lord.  Everytime an expense came up I didn't expect or there was even the most minor transition I would panic, react.  God is steadying me.  I believe he is steadying many of us.  Making us solid for anything that may come ahead.  It's shaking everything that I believe so that anything that is not truth can be wiped away.