I am incredibly amazed at both the constancy and variation in God. When I planned to go to Kenya seven years ago, God showed me for the first time that He "shall not be tamed".
In reference to the chronicles of narnia, Aslan is mentioned several times as not tame. I admit, since I first heard this as a child it has scared me. How can I trust someone that is not consistent, that won't be moved by my whim? I have no way of anticipating someone like this. A week before I left for Kenya, I only needed 300 dollars to go. He asked me to give 1000 dollars to another friend. I was shocked and scared. I thought I was going to Kenya. I continued to tell God that I trusted Him, but I have never really trusted God or anyone. How can anyone trust another fully? Three nights before I was to leave I was still 1300 dollars short. God had brought me through a process that week. He began to introduce me to the fear of the Lord, understanding His greatness and strength and my lack of. This alone could be something to trust in. He spoke to me about His plans for me. He told me that He will never leave me and that I might not go to Kenya, but that doesn't mean He kept good from me or changed His mind or didn't follow through. It means that He has another route for me. But by that night I was angry. I felt that I had stepped out toward God and had received nothing in return. I had gone on a walk at night and was on my way home. I stared at the sky and saw that it was completely black. I became even more angry saying, "How could you even keep the stars from me!?" I went to sit on my porch and as my roommate approached me I grumbled that I couldn't see the stars. She smiled and said, "I think its just cloudy." As she went inside, I felt the Lord say, "You have given me the stars and now I will give you the snow." My eyes filled with tears. The next morning I woke up to the ground covered with snow and the air filled with large flakes. As I sat down to eat breakfast I received a phone call telling me I would receive 1500 tomorrow.
Two years ago, after nearly five months in Afghanistan, I felt completely betrayed by God. In my eyes He had lost all right to have my trust. Several of the paintings I have painted over the last year are about the pain I felt during my time there. Without finding trust in God, the one that is great and can do all, who could I trust. No one. He has very quietly called me back to Him. Patiently waiting for me to lift my eyes and risk little by little. He endured hatred and lies. He endured mockery. From me.
This road has been more than bumpy. Every time the unexpected happens, I pull my trust back. How can I trust someone I don't understand, that cannot be tamed? I have no control over God. Over the past few months, we have been studying Luke at church. I have enjoyed this study, but the past couple of weeks I have been hit with an old revelation.
Luke 7-
32"They are like children who sit in the market place and call to one another, and they say, 'We played the flute for you, and you did not dance; we sang a dirge, and you did not weep.'
33"For John the Baptist has come eating no bread and drinking no wine, and you say, 'He has a demon!'
34"The Son of Man has come eating and drinking, and you say, 'Behold, a gluttonous man and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!'
35"Yet wisdom is vindicated by all her children."
I have every expectation upon God and what He should do for me. These verses change everything. How do we pray, how do we expect? What do we stand upon? The past couple years my entire relationship with God I tore from beneath myself. I questioned everything I had believed. And it continues to change. It is incredibly important for me to know and believe His character as I had a long time ago. Even in the past few weeks I have sat with disappointment, wondering where God is. I don't understand Him and I cannot expect Him to be "tame" - to do as He always has.
But I can know that He is in love with me.