"And in the Spring I shed my skin"

I am incredibly amazed at both the constancy and variation in God.  When I planned to go to Kenya seven years ago, God showed me for the first time that He "shall not be tamed".  

In reference to the chronicles of narnia, Aslan is mentioned several times as not tame.  I admit, since I first heard this as a child it has scared me.  How can I trust someone that is not consistent, that won't be moved by my whim?  I have no way of anticipating someone like this.  A week before I left for Kenya, I only needed 300 dollars to go.  He asked me to give 1000 dollars to another friend.  I was shocked and scared.  I thought I was going to Kenya.  I continued to tell God that I trusted Him, but I have never really trusted God or anyone.  How can anyone trust another fully?  Three nights before I was to leave I was still 1300 dollars short.  God had brought me through a process that week.  He began to introduce me to the fear of the Lord, understanding His greatness and strength and my lack of.  This alone could be something to trust in.  He spoke to me about His plans for me.  He told me that He will never leave me and that I might not go to Kenya, but that doesn't mean He kept good from me or changed His mind or didn't follow through.  It means that He has another route for me.  But by that night I was angry.  I felt that I had stepped out toward God and had received nothing in return.  I had gone on a walk at night and was on my way home.  I stared at the sky and saw that it was completely black.  I became even more angry saying, "How could you even keep the stars from me!?"  I went to sit on my porch and as my roommate approached me I grumbled that I couldn't see the stars.  She smiled and said, "I think its just cloudy."  As she went inside, I felt the Lord say, "You have given me the stars and now I will give you the snow."  My eyes filled with tears.  The next morning I woke up to the ground covered with snow and the air filled with large flakes.  As I sat down to eat breakfast I received a phone call telling me I would receive 1500 tomorrow.

Two years ago, after nearly five months in Afghanistan, I felt completely betrayed by God.  In my eyes He had lost all right to have my trust.  Several of the paintings I have painted over the last year are about the pain I felt during my time there.  Without finding trust in God, the one that is great and can do all, who could I trust.  No one.  He has very quietly called me back to Him.  Patiently waiting for me to lift my eyes and risk little by little.  He endured hatred and lies.  He endured mockery.  From me.  

This road has been more than bumpy.  Every time the unexpected happens, I pull my trust back.  How can I trust someone I don't understand, that cannot be tamed?  I have no control over God.  Over the past few months, we have been studying Luke at church.  I have enjoyed this study, but the past couple of weeks I have been hit with an old revelation.  

Luke 7-

 32"They are like children who sit in the market place and call to one another, and they say, 'We played the flute for you, and you did not dance; we sang a dirge, and you did not weep.'

   33"For John the Baptist has come eating no bread and drinking no wine, and you say, 'He has a demon!'

   34"The Son of Man has come eating and drinking, and you say, 'Behold, a gluttonous man and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!'

   35"Yet wisdom is vindicated by all her children."

I have every expectation upon God and what He should do for me.  These verses change everything.  How do we pray, how do we expect?  What do we stand upon?  The past couple years my entire relationship with God I tore from beneath myself.  I questioned everything I had believed.  And it continues to change.  It is incredibly important for me to know and believe His character as I had a long time ago.  Even in the past few weeks I have sat with disappointment, wondering where God is.  I don't understand Him and I cannot expect Him to be "tame" - to do as He always has.  

But I can know that He is in love with me.

No plan B

I have always had some rocky trust issues with God, but we've been working toward some solid trust.  After coming back from Central Asia my trust plummeted.  Now that we are planning to go back for a couple weeks, I am afraid to have optimism.  I know that we should both go to Af, but I just can't find the strength to believe that we are both going to be able to go.  Nate has been incredibly encouraging, but this takes my own choice to believe.  Yesterday, our chances started looking even more bleek.  I took a moment and really talked to God about how scared I am and how I don't trust him right now.  He spoke to me about having no extra back up plans.  I ALWAYS have a back up plan.  I never fully trust anyone or anything.  (Full honesty coming out here.)  I never believe something is going to happen, so I don't have to worry when it doesn't.  So God is challenging me to trust and have no back up plan.  I've tried to make back up plans already, but they have been pulled away. 

I could use your prayer for this trust.  Trust that we will go to Af and even more that if we don't go, that I have laid everything in God's hands and understand why we couldn't go.

Thank you.

Sacrifice and Rest

Today I wrote a new blog on abovethelonggrass.blogspot.com.  I think it really gives you all a good idea of where I'm at right now so I thought I would post it here as well.  In January, Nate and I will be sending out a newsletter to update everyone on the year and a little of what is next.  Thank you for standing by us during this time. : )


"I just received my second to last canvas for my Afghanistan project.  I am eager to begin.  This final piece is about sacrifice.  it's about everything Afghanistan took from me.  Looking back when I first started painting I had so much pain in my heart.  I was angry and distrusting.  Many there had hurt me deeply, but after a year of rest and reflection, plus loads of forgiveness, I finally feel that I can look at my time there with some understanding.  I still have so much to walk through with God, asking Him why and being okay if there is no answer.  It is incredible to me how in time trust does come again.  Now that I am ready to paint such an agonizing piece, I feel that it will seal what I went through.  The composition is very simple, grey/brown background to symbolizes the ground and dust, and then red splashes to symbolize the sacrifice I gave there.  Many have given more, but it is a huge deal for me to say, "you don't owe me anything."  I still struggle with this idea that those that took from me deserve to be taken from.  That just simply isn't true.  I'm hoping to process this well as I paint.

The last painting for this series will be a re paint of the piece we left behind in Afghanistan hanging in a coffee shop.  It will symbolize hope."

New Art Blog

Hey everyone, Thought I'd let you know I have another blog that talks about my journey as an artist if you're interested feel free to check it out abovethelonggrass.blogspot.com.  I'm currently working on my seventh painting in a series called "My Afghanistan".  I hope to get up the guts to show my work when its finished and learn more about getting my work out there. 

Quick Update: Nate and I are still chugging away here in Fort Collins.  We have begun dreaming again, mostly in big ways.  We're attempting to continue to focus on the present and wait patiently for what's next.  Our church here is going through a lot of transition and so we look forward to supporting them as much as we can.  We'll continue to keep you guys updated... missing you all!

Art

To be an artist... what does that mean?  The dreams deepest in our hearts seem to be the hardest to chase.  This whole summer I've been attempting at every other creative profession other than simply being an artist, a painter. 

Nate and I sat down and prayed about a job I considered applying for, as a website designer.  The pay would have been great, could have been creative, didn't have to be in customer service anymore.  Seems perfect.  When I asked God if I should try for this job, He said, "It doesn't matter if you get this job."  I was disappointed.  I wanted a more clear answer.  "Can you be more clear God?  Should I go for it or shouldn't I?"  ... "No, you don't understand," God explained further, "This job has no importance at all for your future.  It does not matter in the least."  It so crazy how vastly different our priority lists are.  "Then what, God, should I do now?"  "Stephanie, what i've been telling you all this time.  Finish your series." 

I felt so much importance and authority in His voice.  To move forward in painting scares me.  What if I'm not good enough?  I've got to finish.

Calming Down

Life's been calming down quite a bit lately.  I definitely feel like I am finally truely adjusting back to the American culture.  Can you believe its been a year since being back here?  I still find myself making decisions based on the good and the bad that I learned while overseas.  I know that experience has forever changed me.  One of the biggest impacts from that time was a discouraging one.  I came back with little trust in my heart for almost anyone, but especially God.  I finally feel rest again.  Rest that we're going to make it through life, that God is with me.  Nate reminds me all the time of big things God has done for us.  A year ago we were not sure we would even be able to make it back tot he states.  But here we are.  Almost a year ago we thought we wouldn't be able to pay for the beautiful wedding we desired.  Here we are with wonderful memories, photography, beauty and completely paid off.  We have a dog and jobs and eachother.  More hope in my heart than before.  Thank you everyone for your prayers and encouragement through this time. 

learning

Its been a while since I last wrote, but in the mean time things have begun to settle in further.  Nate and I have a driveness to keep moving, keep searching for more, but God is definitely calling us to settle down for this year... for real.  We had signed a 6 month lease last January and now, to finish out the year, we have just extended our lease for another year.  We do not yet know what our next steps will be.  We do know this is good for us.  I already feel a great deal more rested knowing we won't need to pack or search for a new place at least the next year. We have begun to let down our guards a little more, knowing we'll be in this community another year. Finally, we are not in the midst of transition. 

Nate and I have been steadily figuring eachother out.  There is a lot to learn.  The biggest thing I am learning now is to be thankful.  It is so easy for me to worry about details and then not trust that I will be taken care of.  Life becomes far more beautiful when I just choose thankfulness.

I could really use your prayers for my relationship with God.  I've had to walk through a lot of processing in regard to my time in A-stan.  My heart needs a lot of healing and trust needs to be built up again.  I guess truth is needed and softness of my heart to let the truth go deep.

I don't get to see many of you on a regular basis.  I'd really like to hear what's going on in your lives.  Shoot me an e-mail or give me a call. Thanks.